August 18/Gravity/PG-13/Closed

[false]

Characters: Asuka and Kenji OTP
Time: sometime after midnight
Location: the rooftop duH

The moon was cold steel against a starry sky, the breeze was slight but the passing zephyrs chilled her to the bone as they danced atop her skin. It was insane, she knew, to be outside at this hour in the middle of October; but when your dorm room - empty, always empty - suddenly feels like a prison, where else are you supposed to go? The chain link fence behind her rattled a little as she shifted, something closeby creaking dissonantly, causing the hair on the back of her neck to stand on end. Making a face at the shitty laptop resting atop her legs, her fingers slid aimlessly over the keys in a vain attempt to write something, anything, so long as it distracted her from how cold she was, inside and out. It’s a beautiful night, she thought, sighing as her eyes tore away from the screen. If only it were possible to bottle the atmosphere, funnel the heavenly bodies and the ice cold chill and the bitterness in her chest into words on the screen, cheap LCD bulbs the backdrop to their solemn beauty, maybe then she’d be able to stand her own reflection. She shivered a little as a fresh gust cut through her winter coat and her thick, soft pajama pants. I really shouldn’t be out here. She’d promised Max to try and fight off her demons, but lately they haunted her dreams, made it impossible to sleep. Asuka would pull out her iPod and put the song Kenji had sung for her - just for her - on repeat, longing for a world where safety was not a transient thing. In those words she found relative solace - ”And if you were just a paper boat, floating through the garden, lost at sea, drift to me, and into someone’s nightmares…” - a litany to take the edge off of the caustic, unforgiving voices whispering sweet falsehoods in the back of her mind.

Bullshit, she thought, practically slamming the laptop shut before pushing it off to the side, foreign-made plastic scuffing slightly against the concrete rooftop. Her writing tonight reflected her current mood - dreary, melodramatic, insufferable. You can romanticize depression all you want, but it’s all bullshit. Asuka stood up and decided that it was time to go back, it was far after midnight and the weather was almost more than she could bear. She’d hardly taken her first step toward the doorway when her phone rang, loud and unwanted. “Who the fuck is it?” she muttered, retrieving the device from her pocket.

Her eyes narrowed into a harsh, unforgiving glare at the letters on the screen - it was her dad, no doubt drunk, as he usually tended to be in the wee hours of the morning. He’d done this before, called her while inebriated, slurring incoherent and obviously bullshitted apologies through the speaker, as if drunken sentiments made up for years of neglect. You’ll never be sorry enough. Asuka’s thumb hovered over the ‘answer’ button for a moment as she contemplated throwing it over the railing, watching as the last connection to her parents shattered into a trillion pieces. This was her fantasy, one that she was capable of carrying out but for whatever reason never found the strength to follow through. She sighed. I shouldn’t be doing this.

“…hello?” Asuka held the phone up to her ear, her hands trembling slightly.

“I finally got inta yer bank account number… ya little bitch.” Her father’s haggard voice, tainted through years upon years of inhaled carcinogens and cheap sake, was further distorted by the crappiness of her phone’s speaker. He was much more sober than she would have expected, the telltale slur barely noticeable at all over the malice. “All the money in there? Ish mine.”

“Really now, Father?” Asuka snapped, determined to call him out on his bullshit. There was no way he’d found out her passcode - she’d never written it down, and she’d certainly never said it aloud. “Don’t you have a fucking alphabet to learn? Leave me alone, I’m not in the mood for your bullshit.”

“I’m your father, Asuka. Yerr not eighteen yet - your property is my property until then.” Shit. She knew where this was going. “I called the bank, proved to them that I was yerr father, and boom! All that money… ish mine, now.”

Her knuckles were white around her phone, the plastic creaking a little as she struggled to keep herself from accidentally breaking it out of rage. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“I already did, Asuka - ish not my fault yer a little bitch who won’t shhhare with her old man. So, I decided to take what’s rightfully mine - do you have any idea how much booze I’ll get with thish? How did you even save up this much money during high school, huh? You a hooker?”

“Go to hell,” Asuka spat, holding back scores of responses that would tear any normal person apart. Her father was immune to her assaults, always had been. Why would a bastard like him give a shit about things like morality or the fatality of his own flaws?

“I’ll see you there, bitch. Don’t think that just because yerr miles away from us yerr some bigshot, stuck-up actress. You’ll always be mine, Asuka. Always.”

“I was never your daughter!” she screamed, hoping that the wind would carry the words to him, tear his addled mind and sallow, wasted body into shreds. I’m just like them, aren’t I?

The phone in her hands crumpled like a tin can, a broken husk that clattered to the ground, surrounded by its shattered entrails and droplets of her blood. There was no way, it couldn’t have happened. She’d taken every precaution to ensure that the fruits of her labor were off-limits to her parents even though she wasn’t a legal adult yet - there was no way the bank would have let them in, was there? The bank was closed, now, as most places were, and while she could call it whenever it opened and ask for verification of this fact, she doubted that her father would fabricate something like that. If that was the case, there was nothing she could do. She’d escaped her father physically, but his malevolence extended beyond their household. How could I have been so fucking stupid? Now I’m going to fucking starve! Her hand was bleeding, torn up in several places, but the pain was worlds away - a dull sting, barely perceptible over everything else that hurt.

Asuka was crying as she punched the chain-link fence with all of her might, fresh cuts opening in the knuckles of her good hand. Something creaked again, this time a little louder, but she paid it no mind as she struck it again, and again, stopping only when her hand hurt worse than what was inside, when her rage, her sorrow, had waned into something bearable. I’m falling apart again, she thought, her tears warm as they streamed down her face, her breaths heavy. What do I do? Asuka leaned up against the fence, sobbing quietly with her hair in her face, eyes staring bleakly through the concrete surface. Drops of her own blood fell to the ground, staining it sanguine, as she hoped in vain that someone would come to save her from her parents, herself.

[nezumi]

Kenji had woken up to the smell of smoke again. Even though his roommate was barely present, he seemed to get all of his smoking done during the few short minutes he was actually in the room. Kenji didn't even know the boy's name, but the disabled fire alarms he left behind were something he constantly had to fix.

That night, though, the smoke lingered long after the mysterious boy was gone, sending Kenji into a coughing fit. The jerk hadn't even opened a window. Rolling to his side and looking up toward the ceiling, Kenji did note that the other boy had remembered to pull the battery half-way out of the fire alarm.

Wonderful.

Pulling himself out of the bed that his toes dangled off of all night, Kenji reached up to restore power to the little device, spastically waving the smoke away with his other hand. This happened almost weekly, and he was getting sick of having to leave the room for fresh air.

Donning his heavy winter coat and not bothering to change out of his t-shirt-and-sweats combination sleepwear, Kenji exited his room quickly, inhaling a large breath of air once the door was closed behind him.

He didn't know where he was going -- somewhere outside, preferably -- but he had no clue whether the doors would be unlocked at this time of night. Getting stuck in the courtyard for the next six hours didn't sound anywhere near appealing to the boy. His footsteps carried him in the direction of the roof access stairs, and he shrugged to himself -- it was a nice night, and star gazing wasn't too horrible of a thing to be doing instead of sleeping.

The stairs creaked below Kenji's feet, that one small noise every few moments was the only audible sound. But Kenji's thoughts were everywhere, drowning it out easily. Some time ago, the teen had gone on his first date -- ever -- with Asuka, and he had believed it had gone well. They'd seen each other a few times since that night -- Kenji may or may not have waited for her outside of her acting class only two days ago -- and just thinking about the girl now made him smile.

Kenji could have been labeled 'head over heels' for Asuka, not minding how embarrassed any other boy of his age would be if they had been called that, because Kenji knew it was true. He would have never believed himself to be someone that fell so quickly for a girl, but Asuka was easy to fall for. Her flaring temper followed quickly by a helping hand, her ability to know everything about him before he had even told her his favorite color, her eyes...

Pushing the access door open, Kenji had a smile on his face, but it dropped quickly when his gaze zeroed in on a figure leaning against the fence on the opposite side of the rooftop.

"A-Asuka?" he asked quietly, tilting his head as he tried to decide if it was her or not. It only took a second and a flash of red-framed glasses for Kenji to make up his mind and rush to the girl.

He saw the drops of blood on the ground, her hand torn apart in a way that made Kenji's chest hurt. Carefully, hoping he wouldn't scare her, Kenji reached out to cradle her bleeding hand, tiny droplets of blood landing on his skin before he touched the girl.

"Asuka," he said, his voice gentle and his hands hovering only millimeters under hers. "Asuka, what happened?"

While the words slipped past the boy's lips, Kenji tried not think of worst-case scenarios, but he had nothing else to go on. The boy was a bizarre mixture of furious and devastated. There were thousands of things he'd love to see Asuka do, but crying and bleeding weren't a part of that. Although he was normally extremely passive, right then, Kenji swore to himself that -- if given the chance -- he would beat the shit out of whoever caused this.


(I kind of arbitrarily threw in the part about waiting for her outside of class -- hope that's okay with her/you!)

[false]

The last time she had experienced a panic attack had been when she was in her last year of middle school - her father, always the source of her problems, was drunk off his ass, crying mystery tears all over himself and searching for a way to make everyone else as miserable as he was. She was loathe to admit it, but her ability to see through people's bullshit most likely came from him; he'd ripped apart more than a few people in his lifetime, a professional. She could remember that night like it had happened only seconds before - "You'll never... Yer'll never amont tew anything, ya little bitch. Shtop with the bullshit, stop telling yerself you're special because yer smarter than yer old man..." - no, this wasn't the time, these memories were too much for her on a good day, let alone now.

Asuka sobbed quietly to herself for a long moment before a voice tentatively called out, "A-Asuka?" its intonation nothing short of bewildered. Kenji? she thought, gasping quietly to herself. It was his voice, of this there was no doubt; it was so burned into her memory that she could have recognized it anywhere. Dulcet-toned, always kind, how could she ever forget?

It took her a second too long to see Kenji; he'd floated across the roof from wherever he'd stood before to her side, looking uncharacteristically forlorn as he gazed down on the blood on her hands, the blood on the ground. Fuck. Why couldn't it have been Max? Sora? Chiaki? Anyone, anyone other than Kenji. He was the last person that needed to see this, at least the other three knew how fragile she was, how she shattered at anything and everything her parents did, past and present. They knew that she was ugly inside, a grotesque abomination hiding underneath the shell of the girl that she wanted Kenji to see and believe she was. No, he didn't need to see her like this. Not ever.

She flinched as he cradled her hand above his, seeing her blood falling onto him out of the corner of her eyes. Fuck, she thought to herself, tears welling up again, why the fuck was he doing this? They'd held hands before, but that was on her own terms - this was all unwanted, something that she simply did not deserve. "Asuka," he said, his hand barely touching hers, electricity coursing through her veins as it did. "Asuka, what happened?"

My insane, drunken father just stole all of my money, and I won't be able to feed myself anymore. She couldn't tell him that, she wouldn't. The subject of her parents had been tiptoed around for the entire time she'd known him, the idea of him knowing the details of her past virtually the same as him knowing what she was like, who she really was. She let herself sob some more, chest heaving in and out with every breath.

No, this wasn't okay - she had to let him in, didn't she? To bathe in Kenji's warmth, only this time extended beneath the surface, wasn't that what she wanted? Asuka took a deep breath and looked up a little, just enough so that she could see the faint outline of his jaw, mouth wrenched into some sort of gentle-but-worried frown. "M-my dad, he..." she said, every word a thorny lump, a twist of the knife. "...he left me to starve. Again." I can't do this. Her glasses clattered to the ground as she pushed them off, covering her eyes with her hands, flinching at how much the air stung at her cuts. Why the fuck was he here, offering himself to the vilest person on the planet? I don't want you to see as I am. I'm ugly. Worthless.

"J-Just go... Please..." She shook her head, droplets of blood dripping onto her uniform as she leaned against the fence, a bit harder than she had before. "I.. I can't talk about this. Not to you."

[nezumi]

Asuka flinched away from Kenji's hands, like he had expected, but his elbows wouldn't bend to bring his arms back to his sides. More tiny drops of blood trickled down and landed on his palms, but Kenji paid no attention to them. He couldn't do anything about her cuts while they were on the roof, his focus falling to something he could help with the tools he had.

The dark-haired girl was shaking, sobs raking through her body at a ferocious speed. More than anything at that moment, Kenji wanted to pull Asuka to him and tell her he was there, he wasn't going to leave her no matter what she said or did to him. But Asuka needed to be approached gently, he had picked that up in the beginning, and, while the second part could still be done, Kenji knew the first wasn't an option right now.

Gently.

He finally dropped his hands, wiping the blood off on his jacket like it was merely water. Whatever. A stain was the least of his worries at that time. Kenji sucked in a deep breath, preparing himself to ask her 'what happened' again. She raised her head slightly, just enough for Kenji to see the tip of her nose, but not her eyes.

Look up just a little more, Asuka, just look at me. His silent pleas went unanswered, but her voice -- a quiet, broken whisper on a completely silent rooftop -- his Kenji hard. She sounded like she could have been dying.

"M-my dad, he..." her voice cracked several times, but Asuka continued "...he left me to starve. Again." Her hands flew up to over her eyes, knocking her glasses onto the dark concrete below them. More sobs shook her, and once again, Kenji had to hold himself back from reaching out to her.

Again? Left her to starve again? The boy blinked down at her, eyes wide and feeling useless. He didn't know how to comfort her, Kenji knew nothing of her past, nothing of her present. But 'again'? Asuka being starved had happened already. The wind was knocked out of him once more.

"J-Just go... Please..." Asuka shook her head, hands shielding her eyes and more blood being spilled. "I.. I can't talk about this. Not to you."

The boy was still for a moment before speaking again. "No," he told her, voice quiet and unwavering with a touch of finality. There was no way Kenji was going to walk away and leave her like this alone. Not now, and not any time in the future. "Asuka, I'm not leaving. You don't have to say anything, or do anything -- not until you're ready to --, but I'm not going to leave you like this." Growing even quieter, he added, "Not ever,"

Kenji knelt down quickly, retrieving her glasses. Folding them, the boy placed them carefully into his jacket pocket. That was one small way that he could help her without having to push her too far. He'd hold on to her glasses for now, and hand them back to her when she needed them.

He wasn't going to leave her that night -- that much had been established -- but at that moment, Kenji knew he wasn't going to leave her side ever.

[false]

With her glasses gone, Kenji was just a blur in between the cracks of her fingers; the stains from her blood were still visible, "No," Kenji said, his voice quiet but forceful. "Asuka, I'm not leaving. You don't have to say anything, or do anything -- not until you're ready to -- but I'm not going to leave you like this. Not ever."

"Goddamn it, Kenji!" Asuka screamed, tearing her hands away from her face, rattling the fence with the force of her words, leaning into it as hard as she possibly could so that Kenji could not cloud her mind with close proximity, his scent and his warmth. Glasses had not been necessary to feel the sincerity in his words, the undying affection. What was she supposed to do? How could she let him in when it was almost certain that he'd hate what he saw? Why didn't he hate her already? "Why would you... I... You're wasting your fucking time! I.. I can't do this..."

How could I say that? She closed her eyes, sobbed a little more, though if anything the more she cried the worse she felt. What the fuck is wrong with me? She clenched her hand into a fist, wondering what it would be like to tear out her own throat, save the world the trouble. A death like that would be bearable, if a little grisly, maybe then Kenji would find someone worth his priceless time. No, that was wrong. He needed to go, but he needed to stay - the noise inside her head, indecision and insecurity cacophonous as they bounced off the walls, was louder than it had ever been, unbearably so. The curse of being terribly analytical, said Kenji's voice inside her head, an exact replica of something he'd say. Asuka lost herself for a moment in the fuzzy version of Kenji's face in front of her and decided that she was losing her mind.

She was on the verge of elaborating, screaming out to him all of the reasons why she wasn't worth giving the time of day when something cracked, deafening. Dumbfounded, Asuka stopped sobbing for a moment before the fence fell out from underneath her, the linked metal collapsing in waves. She fell a moment afterward, nothing but cold air to protect her from the pavement.

It felt like her head was whirling around at a hundred miles per hour; the world a hazy, blurry amalgamation of the things she loved, hated, feared. Is this how I'm going to die? she thought, hair buffeted in the wind, offering no scream of surprise as her body fell downward. In front of Kenji? Whether she wanted to live or not, it didn't matter - she'd fallen too far to catch herself, now. Her fate was no longer in her hands, if it ever had been in the first place. Asuka closed her eyes as her life flashed before them, kaleidoscopic.

She was six, and she'd already mastered a second language. She was seven and her father was burning her favourite book, scattering the ashes on her moth-eaten sheets as an object lesson. She was eight and her mother was hitting her with a belt because she'd mouthed back, even though her response had made her mother look like an idiot. She was twelve and her father gave her a black eye for eating more than he allowed; thirteen, and Chiaki became her first friend. Fifteen, and she was working more than she should have in order to afford Aozora's hefty entrance fee; even though in the end she'd won a scholarship for her brains. Seventeen, and she was free of her parents and their awful house, living with people that genuinely, truly cared for her. She was crying in the hallway with perfect strangers and falling for a boy that she brutalized; sipping coffee and talking to him about books, swooning as he sung his heart out for her on the stage, ripping her own hand apart on a fence in a vain attempt to feel something real, to cope with the monsters in her head. And yet here he was, unaware of all of this but still there. Always there. She'd screamed at him, offered no explanation whatsoever, hidden her heart because it was hideous; but there he was, an open book. Asuka's heart stopped for a moment. Why... Why have I treated him like this? Kenji was easily the greatest thing in her life, but so far she'd done nothing but treat him like dirt, nothing more than an idle plaything to string around on dates, hold his hand when she felt like it. A marionette, dancing at her fingertips.

I love him, don't I? This realization, sudden but long overdue, prompted her to open her eyes; she was falling, but still alive. She tried to grasp onto something, anything, but her limbs refused her call, paralyzed. It hardly mattered: it had either been seconds since she lost her footing, or an eternity. She was likely done for. No, I can't! I-I need a second chance! She caught a glimpse of Kenji's form, just a few feet away, ghost-like with the moon behind him. The chains around her arm broke; she reached out for him even though he was too far away for her to touch.

Never before had Asuka wished that she'd had the foresight to wear her glasses so she could see Kenji's face one last time; never before had she hoped so much that gravity could be reversed through strength of will alone.

[nezumi]

Seconds later, and Asuka was screaming at him -- "Goddamn it, Kenji!" --, ripping her hands away from her eyes to glare at him, words slicing through the air and Kenji's skin. Asuka's voice was shrill and sharp, yet another thing Kenji hadn't expected from her. He knew she had a right to be angry -- she had a right to be fucking furious from what Kenji could make of the situation --, but why at him?

Why? What had he done other than be there for her, talk to her, listen to her and promise to be there for however long she'd let him. That was considered a bad thing? But, then again, Asuka was a terribly confusing girl, and Kenji wouldn't kid himself by claiming that hadn't drawn him to her, as well.

That was all beside the point now. She was yelling at him, and he wanted to know why, but Kenji couldn't force the words to release their grip on the inside of his throat. He stared down at her, trying to keep his gaze from hardening, the confusion beginning to be too much for him to keep quiet about anymore.

"Why would you... I... You're wasting your fucking time! I.. I can't do this..."

Kenji sighed, running a hand through the hair that had escaped his elastic. Gentle, despite all of this, don't yell back. It took the boy a second to fish the correct words out of his brain and remember what sentence structure was. Kenji was very rarely confused, but Asuka was spinning him in circles and he was getting to the point that he would have to outright ask her what was going on.

"If I thought I was wasting my fucking time, I wouldn't be here, Asuka." He told her, his words coming out in his normal, even tone. "Sure, I'm extremely confused, but it's worth it in the end, okay? So don't tell me to leave, don't expect me to walk away right now -- I said I wasn't going to, and I keep my fucking promises." Kenji stopped for a moment, swallowing against the thorns in his throat. "Despite knowing you for a short time, Asuka, I care about you more than I can say," -- more than you want to hear -- "So don't tell me to leave."[/color][/b]

He had looked away for only a second to set his mind straight. Kenji's head was starting to hurt, the confusion pound at his skull like a caged and hungry animal, using any nasty tricks to escape that it could. No. None of this was about him, and it had taken Kenji this long to remind himself of that. Right now, everything was about Asuka.

Asuka.

Turning to face her again, Kenji didn't find her leaning against the fence anymore. He panicked immediately -- worst-case scenarios again --, eyes searching for her.

A hand -- bloody and broken -- reached up to him from somewhere that Kenji didn't dare look. Without a second though, using every ounce of strength, every fiber of muscle he had, Kenji grabbed at her, pulling her back from wherever she was falling to. Just like he had promised, he was there, ready and willing to jump at the word 'go' for her even if she didn't believe that he would.

Ignoring any pain that could have been rushing through her, Kenji clutched Asuka close to him, refusing to let her go again. He had no clue what had just happened, but every desire to never see it happen again. The look on her face had been heartbreaking, and, now, even though he had a hold of her, with his eyes closed... that look was the only thing he could see. He tried to pull forth an image of her smiling, blushing, something, but all he could see was... the terrified look of someone believing they were about to die.

Kenji shook his head, trying in vain to erase the image. It wouldn't leave no matter what he did, said, he was screaming on the inside, willing it away. Biting down on the inside of his lower lip to keep from sobbing was another action done in vain. With trembling hands, he reached into his pocket to pull out her glasses, gently moving her hair away from her face to place the red-rimmed spectacles where they belonged.

There were so many things he wanted to say, to shout, to cry in that moment but Kenji let nothing out other than a few silent sobs, his body shaking like Asuka's had been only a second ago.

He didn't care how stupid this made him, he didn't care that the second Asuka realized what had happened that she was going to pull away from him again, yell at him, storm away, something, he didn't care.

"Asuka..." Kenji said, his voice cracking and splintering. His hand moved without his say-so, thumb wiping a drop of blood from the girl's cheek, waiting for her to say something.

[false]

The world stopped around Asuka as Kenji’s hand latched around hers, her body halting for a moment before he pulled her up towards the sky. He… he saved me? Her hand was throbbing from the friction, but it seemed so trivial as he pulled her close, a slight stinging sensation from across the universe. Kenji smelled like secondhand smoke interlaced with the remnants of his cologne; Asuka breathed him in as she stood there, arms at her sides, an attempt to grasp reality again; she sobbed softly against his chest but no tears fell. Her arms acted on their own, wrapping themselves around him as tightly as she possibly could, gripping him like he was the only thing anchoring her to the ground. In truth, he was. She replayed what he’d said earlier - I’m not going to leave you like this. Not ever. - and realized that he’d meant it, it had all been true.

He’d been so confused earlier, so hurt; it had all been her fault and she needed to apologize but she’d forgotten how to speak, a bloody, silent specter that could do nothing but cling to the man that she had only just realized she loved. Kenji was crying, too, she couldn’t see it in his face but it was displayed in his irregular breaths, in soft, choked inhalations that added to the towering pillars of evidence towards how much he cared. Asuka released her grip just a little as Kenji’s arms shifted, his hand slipping into his pocket to pull out her glasses. His hand brushed up against her face as he slid them on, her heart lurching at the gesture as the world came back into focus.

K-Kenji? He looked like he’d just seen a ghost, a grisly car crash from across the street, a trainwreck in the middle of town; but this mixture of personal sorrow and sympathy was more biting in that it all revolved all around her. This was her fault; he was this upset over her and how she had almost liquified herself on the cement. Certainly, other people would have been saddened by her death. They’d cry a little bit, sob a little bit, and then life would go on, eventually.

But Kenji? Kenji would never forget her, she knew this now.

She looked up at him, catching a glimpse of crystalline tears budding in his eyes before wrenching her gaze away, somewhere less painful. Kenji’s voice wavered as he spoke her name, a delicate whisper against the deafening silence, waves of goosebumps manifesting as the words made it to her ears. Finally, his outburst registered with her, the confusion that had been shoved off to the side while she’d focused on not falling apart finally hitting home. He’d been angry at her, hadn’t he? Trying to hide it as best he could, but still angry. I can’t do that to him anymore.

Asuka looked back up at him as his finger traced lines across her face, wiping away stray specks of blood. She shivered a little, stepping a little closer, unable to look at his eyes again until she was sure that he had stopped crying. “Kenji, I…” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, willing herself to calm down just a little. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” With this, she buried herself in his chest again, immersing herself in how warm he was and how absolutely wonderful it felt to be right there at that very instant. It was safe between his arms. Secure.

“I didn’t mean any of that, I don’t want you to go!” Asuka exclaimed, breathing softly as a few tears fell down her face, more emotion displayed in that sentence than she'd ever shown him before. “I know it might be too late, but… I don't know what I'd do without you...” She was shaking and her voice sounded as messed up as his had when he said her name, but all it took was the sound of his heart beating to reach her ears to make her feel better. Kenji was alive, and so was she. "I'll tell you everything.. I'll try to, anyway."

[nezumi]

Silence stretched between them for a horrible length of time. They were both shaking -- from the cold, from the closeness of one another, from the thought of losing the other one. Asuka had wrapped her arms around him too at some point, but Kenji had no idea when, he had been too focused on the fact that she was safe and in his arms.

The boy was still shaking when touched her cheek, wiping at the few drops of blood he could. Asuka looked up at him, her eyes wide, frightened, and she didn't dare look toward his eyes. She spoke after another silent moment, closing her eyes and breathing deeply.

“Kenji, I… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Asuka told him, pressing herself close to him, like she was trying to disappear into the fabric of his t-shirt. It felt amazing -- to have her so close and not ripping herself away, but pushing herself closer to him. “I didn’t mean any of that, I don’t want you to go!” There weren't worlds between them anymore, or, to Kenji, it seemed that way now. And that was okay, he didn't want to go anywhere. “I know it might be too late, but… I don't know what I'd do without you...” Asuka started to shake again. Kenji gripped her tighter. "I'll tell you everything.. I'll try to, anyway."

He held her close while she cried, suddenly feeling weak himself. Kenji tilted his head forward, resting his forehead on the top of Asuka's head. He wanted to look her in the eye, to tell her he could wait until this night was over, just don't leave, don't walk away tonight, just stay here with me but he couldn't get anything past the ball of nerves standing guard in his throat.

Asuka clung to him, crying, so close and the only thing Kenji wanted to do was comfort her. Never mind the fact that she had nearly killed him as well as herself with her stubbornness and refusal to open up to him -- everyone had their personal battles, and Kenji knew she had a few more than he was able to pick up on, and they hadn't known each other long, but from the minute that door spilled his blood, Kenji knew he would love her one day -- whether it be returned or not was entirely up in the air, still, however -- and if it needed to come to something as dramatic as Asuka nearly falling to her death and Kenji chasing after her without a second thought for his desire to be in her life to be proven to her, then he would pull her back from the edge a thousand times. Always there he would be.

"I'm not going anywhere, Asuka, I told you that," Kenji whispered, not trusting his voice to go any higher without betraying him. He wasn't singing, his voice wasn't he friend for now. "I've said that so many times, and I'll keep saying it if I have to." That was true, too. He'd say it a thousand times if it meant he could keep her this close. "You don't have to tell me this second -- but I do want to know, I want to know everything, Asuka, and I won't say a word until you've said everything you have to say --... Just focus on breathing right now."

She was still shaking. Kenji didn't know if it was from the shock, still, or the wind, but he drew her even closer to him, arms wrapped around her small shoulders and fingers splayed across the fabric covering them. Kenji had waited weeks now, he could allow her a moment to catch her breath before exposing all to him.

[false]

In Kenji’s arms, the world around her disappeared, because for that moment he was her world. ”I’m not going anywhere, Asuka, I told you that,” Kenji whispered, each word a goosebump on her arm, another chain anchoring her safely to the ground. “I’ve said that so many times, and I’ll keep saying it if I have to. You don’t have to tell me this second — but I do want to know, I want to know everything, Asuka, and I won’t say a word until you’ve said everything you have to say — Just focus on breathing right now.” It was true - all of it was true, wasn’t it?

Asuka complied, saying nothing as she breathed softly against him. His hands, splayed across the fabric of her coat, were shaking and gripped her just a little too hard; that was okay, the more she felt his touch the more she could be sure that he was there, that the world she was in was the real one. After a few long moments her breaths slowed and her mind cleared, save for one question - how was she supposed to tell him this?

Disenchanted teenagers are often deluded into self-diagnosing themselves with psychological disorders, throwing around terms with little care towards what they actually meant. In their twisted, attention seeking minds, terms like ‘antisocial’ and ‘misanthropic’ somehow become glamourous, imaginary facets of their personality that made them special. To those with actual problems, such ramblings are the equivalent of being given the finger; people like that were so full of bullshit that Asuka had trouble with even looking at them, let alone letting herself become one. So how to approach the delicate issue of her past without sounding like a fake little bitch, crying ‘abuse’ to anyone with ears? This wasn’t a pity party, she reminded herself, this was her exposing herself to Kenji, sharing her pain because he asked for it, begged for it. And she had to do it, didn’t she? Kenji wanted to save her, and she wanted to be saved.

Asuka took a deep breath before she spoke, taking another whiff of Kenji’s intoxicating scent. “I spent most of my childhood starving to death - my parents spent all their money on booze and cigarettes, and what little food they bought they ate themselves. I got the scraps. When I asked for more, they’d punish me, physically or mentally or both depending on their mood.” She pulled herself a little closer him, quiet tears budding in the corners of her eyes. Fuck, that’s all I’m good for, isn’t it? Crying and not solving my own problems. “It was always like that. I was their whipping girl because they’d never even wanted me in the first place; and they were both so depraved that somehow it was okay to give their six year daughter a black eye and then tell her she was worthless when she cried. I’d hide in the library next door, where it was nice and safe, full of huge books that I’d pour over endlessly because what was inside was ten thousand times better than the world I was in.”

Why is this so easy? Asuka tilted her head upward, catching a glimpse of his face before looking back down, pressing her face into her chest. Asuka exhaled and decided that somehow Kenji had broken down her walls, towering palisades that she had put in place to save him from her thorns. “I was always a walking skeleton, but no one ever gave a shit. My parents were masters of manipulation and had no trouble tricking my teachers into thinking I was a problem child, that my wishes were malevolent and to be ignored. But somehow, I made it. Living sucked but I never wanted to die, make no mistake of that. So I found food wherever I could - I’d rather not elaborate, but it was never glamourous, I promise you. I made it until middle school, taking the shit that they dished out all on my own. I probably would have died, then. Their vices were eating up most of the budget, leaving hardly any left over for food. Except…” She trailed off, smiling wanly. “Except that I met Chiaki. No one liked him, either; I was the weirdo smart kid and he was the boy who was always singing and reading picture books about love. He… I think he understood me, and he gave me food, he stole vitamins from his dad’s pharmacy to fix my anemia. He was my only friend, and I’ll never repay him. He saved my life, Kenji.”

She shook her head, smile dissolving. “But I digress. I got into acting a little after I met him, and I ended up being pointed towards Aozora as a means of honing my talent. I was too poor, though, and my parents vehemently opposed me slipping out from underneath them. But I knew that their permission was not needed for me to go here, and if I made it in, I’d be free. So I worked and worked and worked, and I saved all of it up but in the end it didn’t matter, I got a scholarship. I put my money away where they could never get it… that’s what I thought, anyway. My dad figured out my account number and used his ‘authority’ to steal it all for himself, and.. that was why.. that was why I was like that when you found me.”

“I’m afraid of them, Kenji. I kept telling myself that I’d gotten away, but I haven’t. He can still rip me apart without even trying.” Asuka pulled herself even closer to him, trying to dissolve up against his chest, gain some of his strength through osmosis. “I’m pathetic, aren’t I?” she said, sighing a little. “I tell myself I’m strong, but I almost fell apart. If you hadn’t came here, I… I…” She trailed off, unable to elaborate any further. Kenji didn’t need to hear the last part, how the fence would have collapsed and she would inevitably have died. Even if the fall had been avoided, would she have been able to piece herself back together the next day? “I’m sorry… I didn’t want you to see me like this or know any of this.” Asuka laughed weakly, hollowly. “But it’s too late now, isn’t it?”

[nezumi]

The temperature was still steadily dropping outside but Asuka clinging to him the way she was only made Kenji feel warmer. He couldn't seem to find it believable that, after ripping her hand away from him at the bookstore and telling him 'Don't,' she would so willingly clutch him like this. He wanted to grin, to be happy about it, but, given the circumstances, Kenji couldn't even muster up enough strength for a teary smile.

She's safe. She's safe, it's okay.

Kenji focused on breathing, as well, making every attempt to calm himself down enough to take in whatever Asuka was planning to tell him. Or, whatever he hoped she would tell him. It came to the dark-haired boy suddenly that neither of them had specified what exactly they were talking about. Damnit. But if she didn't want to talk about it that night, Kenji was fine with that, but he had no plans of letting Asuka forget what she had said. I'll tell you everything... I'll try to, anyway. No. Kenji wanted to know, more than words could express in that moment, he wanted to know everything there was to know about the girl he had his arms around.

If it boiled down to Asuka only telling him bits and pieces, Kenji was more than prepared to stick around to learn other things about her. The boy didn't mind that it may not go further than that -- friendship, depending on one another, Kenji being around when she wanted him to be but far away when she did not -- and that was fine. Maybe. Kenji liked her, he liked her a lot, despite the fact that he knew so very little about her.

Asuka inhaled a large breath, and Kenji waited, on the very edge of whatever 'calm' he had managed to bring back to himself, for what was about to come.

She launched right in to explaining her past, her family life, how she'd met Chiaki and why they were so close to this day, her love of books, they way her parents treated her -- Kenji's back stiffened at that, but he didn't dare try to explain in that instant. Asuka told him about everything, leading up to why her hand was bleeding the way it was and how she had ended up nearly...

The boy vehemently shook his head, clearing the images again. If he could erase any point in time without any ramifications -- meaning if he could erase any point in time and still come out with his arms around Asuka -- he would have easily erased her fall. Kenji would never be able to get the images out of his mind, a battle scar he would have to bear valiantly around Asuka.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t want you to see me like this or know any of this. But it’s too late now, isn’t it?”

Kenji blinked, the tears that had clouded his vision finally gone, and his mind awake enough to be confused by what she had just told him. He tilted his head back, exhaling at the stars and silently wishing for the words he needed.

Acting on impulse again, Kenji moved a hand from Asuka's back, carefully maneuvering the two of them to touch her chin and bring her head up to look into her eyes. Be gentle, you ogre. Kenji wanted her to hear him, to understand every little word that he was about to say to her. There would be no misunderstanding, he would make sure of that.

"I wanted to know everything, Asuka. Everything. Granted -- and I'm not going to apologize for this at a later date because my feeling won't change -- I now want to find your dad and tell him exactly how I feel about all of that..." he took a deep breath, exhaling his anger again. "I'm so, so sorry about all of that, Asuka, I really am, but the only thing I can do is protect you now that you're here." He offered up a sad half-smile. "If you'll let me, I mean."

[false]

Kenji had stayed true to his word - throughout her entire spiel he had remained silent, stiffening only at the mention of her father, the way he’d treated her. He’d said nothing, but in his silence there was sympathy, rage towards her father, the desire to protect. Asuka would have had to have been blind to miss these signs; each of them thrown into the mountains of evidence towards Kenji’s absolute sincerity that she’d somehow overlooked, perhaps ignored on purpose. He means it. All of it.

Asuka stole a glance at Kenji’s eyes and saw that he had been crying, too; he exhaled and stared up at the stars, looking more than a little lost. Part of her felt lost, too, as if in the process of pouring herself out to him she’d dumped out more than she needed to, left something vital in his hands. She wanted to squeeze herself closer to him, but his hand snaked around from behind her back and he was maneuvering the two of them so that their eyes were forced into contact, his hand gently tipping her chin upward.

Their eyes locked and he was staring straight through her; she shivered at the sudden feeling of being laid bare, foreign in almost every way. Specifics aside Asuka had told him almost everything, staying true to her promise as well, right down to the letter. And it had been so easy, hadn’t it? All her pathetic, paper tiger attempts at keeping her distance from him had amounted to naught; and now, more than ever, it was clear that they were better off that way. Asuka had never felt so safe and exposed at the same time in her entire life.

She was hardly ready for him to speak, hardly prepared for the strong-but-gentile tone in his voice or the way he always sounded so confident, so sure of everything. Kenji’s voice resonated with her in a way that no one else’s did; it was beautiful and more than she could ever hope to ask for. ”I wanted to know everything, Asuka. Everything. Granted — and I’m not going to apologize for this at a later date because my feeling won’t change — I now want to find your dad and tell him exactly how I feel about all of that…” He exhaled, quiet fury in the gesture, all of it directed towards the man who had ruined her past and haunted her present. Kenji? Take on her father? She imagined the two of them facing off, Kenji towering over the squat, balding, sallow old man who was the worst monster in the world. Who would win, lover boy or the bastard? Asuka didn’t know, but the idea of him ever being exposed to specimens as vile as her parents was inconcievable. There was nothing that they couldn’t corrupt, turn against her. She shivered as she realized that Kenji’s eyes matched perfectly the moon.

”I’m so, so sorry about all of that, Asuka, I really am, but the only thing I can do is protect you now that you’re here.” At his half-smile, her heart leapt to her throat and her eyes spawned a few more quiet tears that ran down her face, blazing white-hot trails down to her chin, burning through the cement. ”If you’ll let me, I mean.” Her world was falling apart, but that was okay, wasn’t it? It was shitty to begin with, and the world that Kenji was trying to show her was far more beautiful.

I love him, don’t I?

Asuka pressed herself up against him, cursing herself for every time she’d made him shy away from physical contact, every time she’d thought intimacy and ruin went hand in hand. She may have been right, but who cared? Offers like these came once in a lifetime. “Kenji, you’re crazy,” she said, wiping at her eyes with her unscathed hand. “No one in their right mind would say the things you say - I’m crazy and I’m in pieces and I have no idea what I want from anyone, let alone myself.”

These were all facts, ones that she held close to her heart and knew for a fact to be true. Denying any of these would be denying reality itself. “But I… I’m selfish, and.. I didn’t want to think about it - couldn’t let myself think about it - but I need you, Kenji.” Asuka pulled away from him just enough so that they could make eye contact, her arms still wrapped around him. “More than I know how to express, or even understand.”

She blinked, feeling the last of her tears dry up. “Thank you, Kenji. You’re more than I could ever ask for.” Asuka tried her hardest to smile back as she stood on her toes and kissed him on the cheek, closing her eyes as her heels descended back to the ground.

[nezumi]

The dark-haired girl hugged him tighter, wiping at her eyes. “Kenji, you’re crazy," Kenji chuckled once. That much was probably true, but as he had told her, it was well worth it in the end. “No one in their right mind would say the things you say - I’m crazy and I’m in pieces and I have no idea what I want from anyone, let alone myself.”

Kenji didn't doubt that she felt that way, but, from what he could see, Asuka really was in pieces. She had been that way for a long time, longer than he could imagine, but if he could help it -- and he would -- Asuka wasn't going to be in pieces anymore. No. He'd hold her together until she had the strength to make herself whole again. That is, if she really wanted that.

“But I… I’m selfish, and.. I didn’t want to think about it - couldn’t let myself think about it - but I need you, Kenji.” Asuka leaned back, looking up to Kenji's eyes for the first time that night. He gave her a small, lopsided smile of encouragement, the best one he could pull free. “More than I know how to express, or even understand.”

Over time, Kenji was sure that Asuka's presence in his life would express how much she needed him, or vice versa. The boy didn't know if he could admit it to her yet, given the state of things, but Kenji knew that he needed her just as much as she needed him. Asuka had kept him both grounded and let him soar in the clouds at the same time for weeks now. She made him happy, happier than he could remember being in a long time.

"You don't have to try to express it to me, I think I understand," he told her, his voice barely above a whisper.

There was no way he was going to give up on her, or whatever it was that they were, so easily. If Kenji couldn't bring himself to let go of Asuka physically in that moment, how was he supposed to let go of her emotionally if the time ever came.

That would have been his one wish -- for Asuka to never think up a reason to walk away from him, or be angry with him, or find him useless.

“Thank you, Kenji." Asuka said, bringing Kenji back from wherever he had been. "You’re more than I could ever ask for.”

Asuka pulled back just a sliver more, pushing herself up far enough to level herself with him and closed her eyes again, pressing her lips lightly to his cheek. The feeling lasted only a second, but it was long enough to light every single nerve in Kenji's body on fire. The smile he wore afterwards was huge, ecstatic and he had been reminded of why exactly he had known Asuka was his 'one' since the beginning -- even her smallest actions twisted and turned him.

Kenji leaned forward -- Asuka's eyes still closed and sporting a faint smile -- ducking his head down to place a small kiss on the top of her head. He hoped the gesture wasn't unwelcome, because he wasn't going to apologize for that, either.

END.